Nothing in life is free

It's true.  There's no such thing as free rent.  No body knows how miserable I am because I can't talk about how I feel.  To me, it would be considered rude and biting the hand that feeds you.

Most would be in heaven right now.  Having the cleaning done for you, food on the table, etc. but not me!  I am an extremely independent person.  I hate it when I go into the bathroom and the trash has been taken out for me; when my dog gets fed for me; the dishes get put away that JUST TOOK OUT...I'm in my own personal hell!  Sounds crazy, right?

This internal battle has been going on for weeks now and every day I find another thing to gripe about.  So here are my list of griperies:

-The only vacuum in the house doesn't have a "place" or a "home" like a closet.  So where does it stay?  In their master bedroom.  Now, I was not raised to just go into people's rooms, so when I need the vacuum, I wait until I can find someone to go get it.  It's so f**king awkward for me!  I just hate being uncomfortable 24/7.
-His Mom doesn't cook.  Never.  Nothing.  However, the kitchen MUST be in pristine condition.  Why?  I have no idea but every time I cook dinner I feel eyes watching me and every drop of oil that MIGHT spill.  Now, I will say that I am a messy cook, but I always eat, then clean.  I feel here that I have to cook, clean, then eat.  If not, then my mess is cleaned up for me like a child who spilled then walks away.
-I can't even do laundry when I want!  This isn't anyone's fault.  The septic tank here is too small for the size of the house so we can only do one load per day.  It's just my frustration.
-My food get thrown out!  I paid for my own groceries and the other day I realized that some of my stuff was missing!  Found out for some reason or another that if I wanted my lettuce I could find it in the trash.  Fun!  It wasn't bad, so why I ask..WHY?
-They just walk it.  I don't remember if I mentioned it but we are put in a mother-in-law suite.  Like a said before, I was not raised to just walk into people's rooms but apparently they don't understand that concept.  They just walk it, we have zero locks (which will hopefully change in the very near future).  As for right now, I have a whole new respect for the "drop-in/pop-in!"
-Last one...promise!  I'm a vegetarian and every time his parents cook some kind of meat, his mom tells my boyfriend, "We made ____, but we know Sara won't eat it!"  Like they disapprove of my choices or something.  But Sara won't eat it!  But Sara won't eat it!  In this whiny, nasally, gut-wrenching tone.

No one ever told me this was going to be easy.  In fact, most people advised me against the very thought of moving in with the "in-laws."  And yes, some of these things are just me making a mountain out of a molehill.  But it's so hard when I feel so alone, even though I'm surrounded by people.  My dog had abandoned us for the rest of the dogs, my friends are all gone, and my relationship has never been so rocky and volatile.

Much to what you have read, I've never been a depressed person.  I've always been the fun and happy one.  Cracking jokes and doing a crazy happy dance was the old me.

Where is she?

Why are Men Idiots?

I don't get it!  It's not just one or two of them that don't listen that give them all a bad name...it's ALL of them!  And not only do they not listen, they don't communicate EITHER!!!

I've been dealing with a particular situation here at home with my partner.  I told him on Friday he had to do something this past weekend.  On Saturday...NOTHING!  On Sunday...NADA!  I even gave him additional tools to get him started and still nothing.  It's not like I needed him to take the trash out or something mundane that I could do too.  I needed him to do something extremely important for me and he knew on Friday how much it meant to me.  What is the point even telling him anything?  What is the point of asking him to do anything?

I'm hurt.

Friends?

I've been thinking about friends recently.  Since I've moved to a new city where I don't know anyone, I've been thinking about how to meet new friends.  So how do you meet new people?  I mean think about it.  The friends you've known are the people you went to school with, met in the neighborhood riding bikes, or through work.  So how do you meet people after you've graduated school?  My problem is  that I'm still working on getting in job, and sometimes you hate the people you work with.  I can't take any fun classes until I get a J-O-B to pay for them, and so on and so forth.  Do you see the vicious cycle I am living in? :)

Maybe I should just start walking up to girls and passing them a notes saying, "Do you want to be my friend?  Check Yes or No."  Eh?

So I'm the first to admit I'm not a "girlfriend person."  I do like the girly stuff: the guilty pleasures of trashy tv shows, drinks, mani/pedis, etc.  However, my personality is definitely more along the lines of how a guys is.  Consider me the "Elaine" of the group.  I'm not uptight, I make raunchy jokes, enjoy sports, and even participate in the occasional extra poticular activities.  Problem is, my guy friends have all gone their separate ways and we've slowly lost touch.  I guess that our friendships were never that solid to begin with, huh?  Or as my boyfriend says they were just friends with me because they wanted to sleep with me.  And the girlfriends I've had, pretty much lost all of them.  It's ridiculous!  I'm ridiculous...I know it!  I don't know if I'm too picky with the girls I hang out with,  if I've intentionally sabotaged them or my abrasiveness turns them away.  Whatever the reason, I'm really trying to hang on to the one's I have.  But now, that's getting harder because distance is the ultimate killer of most decent relationships.

So how does one right the wrongs?  I have reached out to my last ex-best friend.  We left our relationship on bad terms because I was tired of it.  I felt that she was constantly competing with me, she was always trying to one-up me and I was done.  Is that toxic or just me being petty?  Guys can always be friends with the ahole, the jerk, the annoying one, the freak or the loser.  So what's wrong with me?

HELP!!!

Past. Present. Future.

So recently, now that I have millions of minutes to spare, I've been back trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  For some time now, I've been doing TONS of research on my passion and how to parlay that into a career.  So here's the update...

I majored in psychology because I didn't know what I wanted to do.  I figured that I could take something that I was interesting to me, that fascinated me, that could take me anywhere.  WRONG!!!  Man, what I so very, very wrong.  It gave me shitty jobs, zero pay and it turns out that the one graduate program I want to get into, Wildlife Conservation, specifically states on their website that psych majors are advised to NOT apply.  What bullshit, huh?

I feel like I've always had to do things the long or hard way.  Never the simplest way.  It just seems that so many others get things so easily and this was just another thing to reaffirm the fact that I can't get ONE break in life.  Now, I have to work on getting a second bachelor's so attempt to get into the graduate program.  That means more money, more time and more frustrations.

I hope it's all worth it...

So Not for Me

I repeat...I hate I hate I hate job searching!!!  I feel like I'm stuck.  My goal is to start graduate school in a year.  So right now, I'm just looking for a job.  But everything I can find is SO not what I want to be doing and beneath me.

At this point in my life, I had imaged myself working myself up the corporate ladder, with my amazing working clothes and adorable heels, sucking up to bosses, singing birthday songs and having casual Fridays.  Doing those things for several years since graduating college in the fields that I though was my path in life...turns out I was WRONG!!!  Working in an office...so not for me.  The fields I thought were right for me...so not for me.

Now, I've turned my life upside down and I am forced go get some crap job and paste on some ridiculous smile, listen to BS customer complaints and get paid absolutely NOTHING!  So what's a girl to do?

Lookin for the J-O-B

Uh, it's job hunting season for me.  What an awful thing to do.  I hate it.  I wish somehow that I could just close my eyes and I'm already like 6 months into it.  I mean, how awful it is to interview, interview, interview, then jump into an already developed family, trying desperately to fit in, learning how the new "politics" work, getting in trouble when you mess up.  I hate it!  I hate it!  I hate it!

In the meantime, I'm getting scammers left and right trying to get me to prequalify for this and that.  They're now texting!  What bastards.

The one thing I've always wanted  is to work for myself; own my own business.  I know myself and I'm too stubborn, defiant and spoiled to work for others.  Problem is the cha-chang cha-chang chang.  You need money to start a business, none of which I have.  So in the meantime, I'm stuck with my nose to the grindstone, working with the rest of the peons.

Wish me luck on the rest of my job hunting...

This is Me Screaming

I often feel like I'm trapped.  Who doesn't?  But not everyone puts it out there for the world to read.  I'm not a depressed person.  I like to have fun, party and be free.  From an early age, I've always felt like I was meant for something great but since I graduated college, I can't seem to find myself or my place in this world.

I'm just so mad at myself.  Tearing up for no good reason, I don't even recognize myself anymore because this is not where I wanted to be at this age.  And everyone always says that your so young and you have plenty of time to figure things out.  Is this the quarter life crisis they speak of?

I've decided that 2011 is the year of me!  I've made a bold choice to change my life around and fly free.  That iPhone I've been eying, that damn thing is mine. (whenever it's decides to come out)  It's gonna make me happy, so what? Grad school, I'm going for it!  Getting out of debt...yes please!

Right now, the largest source of my frustrations are my home life.  I live with my boyfriend with our cat and dog. I was just recently laid off (ok, kinda fired, but who's counting) so we made a drastic choice to move cities for more opportunities.  For the time being, we're living out of a suitcase in his parents mother-in-law suite until I can find a job.  Which is just perfect in this economy, right?  And if that wasn't bad enough, our sex life has been whittled down to nil!  I tend to equate making love to feeling and being loved.  So when there's an absence in that department, I feel lower than low.  We've been together for 5 years.  There's no reason to feel this way but I do.  I can't help it.  It makes me feel like I'm unattractive and unwanted and what woman can't commiserate?

So here I am.  This is me.  This is my life.  As an eternal pessimist, with a high libido and a constantly wheel-turning brain, I feel like I'm on a downward spiral, trying to make things better.  Stay posted as my incoherent thoughts are laid out like mindless gibberish.  Stay tuned...